fruchtbarkeit

after infertility..infidelity..divorce....

2008-08-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

when my son was 2 months old I discovered that his father had multiple other girlfriends who did not know he was married - I was barely able to walk after severe hemorrhaging - the birth left me very weak and anemic and I was a wreck...

fast forward two years - I left the $#%$, got a divorce, moved back to my preferred coast (the opposite one), changed careers, went back to school and am now a pretty happy single mother living in an idyllic small town

why he went through 3.5 years of infertility treatments while he was busy building long-term relationships with at least two other women I'll never know

why it all had to be so awful and even cliched I'll also never know

my son is beautiful, being a single mother is hard, but not as emotionally devastating as infertility - we work so hard to build families and then it can all fall apart even after conquering infertility.... I just wanted to put this p.s. up there if there is anyone who wanted to know the rest of the story

cousins!

2006-04-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

two little boys - mine's the younger one. I am so thankful that it all worked out and that I didn't have to be the barren auntie. I feel so bad for all of you who have had a rough time of it lately.

I don't have much to say about parenting, etc. I'm just so lucky to be sitting here listening to my baby make explosive poops - he's thrilled about it also - poops=big smiles in our house.

Some things they don't tell you about postpartum - you can bleed for 10-12 weeks! Oh maxipad, maxipad you are the one. No tampons allowed. Also it is hard to be sexy when you're dribbling milk all over the place.

My Valentine

2006-02-21T07:41:00.000-08:00

On Valentine's Day I gave birth to this little boy. He is in fantastic health and very sweet. I won't be posting the birth story because it's a scary one. Suffice to say, it was without any drugs but ended badly so I am bedridden for some time. My husband likened it to a Sam Peckinpah film but I was too out of it to know. My baby's first name is the same as a recently deceased African-American playwright, a rather schmaltzy French impressionist painter and a month. I think it suits him.

pro-IVF

2006-02-12T10:57:00.000-08:00

just sitting around overanalyzing my twinges and possible contractions....

given all the weirdo stuff about IVF in the public media I just wanted to share a little anecdote.

A few weeks ago my husband and I attended a very short breathing/birth class at the hospital. I learned to make the noises of various birds and it was fine. There was one couple there who definitely looked older than us and the husband was a card. He was a breath of fresh air compared to the much younger-looking husbands who blanched at the word 'vagina'. His wife seemed very sweet if somewhat long-suffering but patient with her goofy mate.

Yesterday I went to an epidural class at the same hospital where EVERYONE was a good decade younger than I - the teacher didn't even bother saying 'vagina' but talked a lot about how sore one's 'bottom' would be after giving birth. What, are they going to spank me while I'm in the stirrups? The boys (sorry, they just seemed so young) were particularly squeamish about the mega maxi-pad which the teacher referred to as a 2x4. For your 'bottom' of course.

After the class I saw the older guy in the hallway - his wife had given birth via c-section and he was over the moon, absolutely ecstatic. He said he had used the breathing exercises himself in the car on the way over to the hospital but that she hadn't needed them. He really wanted me to come up and see wife and babe but Iwas pretty sure she was wiped out, even without a sore bottom. He told me the weight, the name and all the details. Then I asked who the little babe looked like and he proudly proclaimed that she didn't look like anyone. They had done IVF and donor eggs and he was pleased as punch. By this point we had quite an audience and he didn't give a hoot. He was just so, so, so happy about his 'miracle baby' and wanted everyone to know. We bonded a little about nasty needles and so forth and then he went on his way.

That's what it's all about folks, the sheer humanity of it all, not the science, not the designer babies, but love and awe at the miracles of babes.

and if you're wondering, the epidural class really made it look like a bad idea - for many reasons but I'm glad I went because I got a much better idea of what it entailed.

plug schmug

2006-02-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

Early this a.m. I witnessed my mucus plug - a small bloody alien - veddy disgusting.

So now, according to all the info I can find, I could go into labor within hours or weeks!

somehow I thought it would be a compact little cork made out of mucus that would just pop out of my little cervix.

it was more like 1 c. of multicolored slime - and I didn't think to take a picture because I was so mystified and agog.

so something's about to happen, within hours! or weeks!

when?

2006-02-05T14:01:00.000-08:00

I think my due date is 2/14 but the RE thinks it's 2/16 - not sure why or how they did that but in any case it is SOON! or maybe not for 4 weeks.

All is well, I think we've got enough stuff, I froze a lot of soup and..... best of all.... I'm in the running for a new job. Not a better job by any means but a job where people might actually speak to me and be nice. At this point in my life my psyche is more important than my ambition and I'm sure with a babe that will be even more true. Plus the future job possibility has on-site day care and the current one does not.

I've been reading birth stories on the internet but they range from the 3 hour labor to 48 hours with everything in-between so it's not exactly helpful.

dénouement is on its way.... stay tuned

not natural?

2006-01-20T13:31:00.000-08:00

4 weeks to go! But now I'm getting rather large and ponderous. My blood pressure has also started to go up some and my feet are swelling so this makes me nervous. But so far no one is really worried and one more ultrasound on Monday so we get to see the wee babe again!

I started reading an IVF mystery - ha! betcha didn't know there was such a thing. It's called In A Family Way and I'm afraid it's going to be awful. The victim is a young child and here's a taste (not of the little child but of the prose):

"It was a strange thing to see M. in this new light. Rationally, there was no reason to view her differently because she had been made, not begotten. She'd been no less of a human being. Yet I could not shake a certain uncanny sensation. She had not sprung from the long chain that linked us to our mammal forebears. Instead, she'd been whisked up in a glass by a man who called himself the "family doctor." It made her seem separate from nature, even though I knew the notion was false." it goes on and on....

It's from 2005! Do people really still think like this?

Mammal forebears? harumph. Any guesses as to the sex of the author?

I feel very much like a mammal - and my seins spectaculaires prove it!

redefining ready

2006-01-08T10:57:00.000-08:00

I spent the day yesterday "shopping" with my pregnant friend, she of the even more dire infertility who is due 2 months after I am. I didn't buy anything and found the stores stultifying.

Forget it. The crass materialism just blew my mind. I'm not buying anything new I swear! Most of the stuff is just hideous anyhow - way too big and bulky. I told her I was ready to road-trip to Ikea (hee, hee, we have access to Canadian Ikea, cheap, cheap) and she said no she wanted to buy the best for her baby. But none of it is going to last more than 2 years! The nature of babies is to grow out of everything! Ikea stuff is at least light and colorful.

If I lived in a more cosmopolitan place perhaps I would enjoy looking at all the STUFF but frankly spending money for the sake of spending money has never rung my bell. (Says she who just laid out the cost of a crib for a month's supply of organic, grass-fed locally raised steaks and the very best olive oil).

A complete stranger has given me practically new car seat, bathtubs, swing, vibrating chairs, baby carrier, etc. Wow! But my friend doesn't want any of it. I'm a little sad because I thought we'd bond more about the whole baby thing but we are on very different wavelengths.

So at this point I'm just going to focus on the most vital needs - input and output. Nursing bras and diapers.

So more advice requested... are there any magical, wondrous, comfy, chic nursing tops out in the world? I'd wander around the house boobi*es adangling but I do have two teenage stepsons and it might just prove too much for them! I sure as hell wouldn't have wanted to see my stepfather's equivalent when I was their age.

And thanks for the advice so far! The exciting part is not far away! I can't wait to see what our high-tech doctor's office drug-induced loving has produced.

getting ready

2006-01-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

some random thoughts at 6 weeks to go - all advice welcome!

I find myself stuck in a kind of birthing (and eventually parenting) limbo. I grew up in a very hippie-dippy household (no sugar, no white flour, no tv), my brother and I were both born at home in pretty primitive settings but it was more chance and finance than any dogmatism on my mother's part.

I am a feminist and I only got pregnant with much high-tech intervention.

So what's a modern environmentalist feminist transplanted west to east coaster only pregnant due to weird hormones and poking and prodding to do? I haven't found any birthing classes that appeal to me - they're either entirely drug and doctor oriented or verging on earthmama nonsense. I read Bradley's book and he lost me when he suggested that it would be best for women to wander around in long skirts with no underwear. Pants = evil modern garment causing all sorts of infections. Funny, the only time I got a yeast infection was when I was wearing little underwear at all but boffing a super-hot French ski instructor.

So I eat all organic, make my own bread, have a garden and didn't own a car for many, many years. But I find vegans irrational (cars kill more animate life forms than eating bread or honey does), I don't believe my unborn baby is psychically communicating with me and I don't think animals are at all human but I do believe they should never have to suffer. I do teach yoga and have practiced it for many years and I do believe in the power of meditation, etc. I have found a very conservative (politically) old-fashioned dentist who can do pretty much all things without novocaine but he sure isn't new age. I want the birthing equivalent!

And it seems as though the choices are only just beginning! My compromise is childbirth in a nice hospital birthing center but with midwives. If I can't stand the pain I'll opt for an epidural but it would be nice to avoid the drugs just because I don't like anesthesia or how it makes me feel afterwards.

So here are some of the dilemmas I face:

- cloth diapers. I would much prefer for the baby's sake but no diaper service in this part of the world so I'd have to do it all myself. Is this at all feasible?

- co-sleeping makes total sense but it would be nice if it weren't ALL the time.

- breastfeeding is definitely what I would like to do and I have the luxury of time but I know from reading blogs that things don't always go smoothly on that front.

- when I do go back to work is there child care that is professional and nice but doesn't have tv? I don't have one and I hate how it makes kids zombies.

- do children really need organic cotton clothes?

etc. etc. etc.!!

And I still haven't really found a birthing class.

If only I had magic...

2005-12-09T16:44:00.000-08:00

all is well for me - better than well - swell - I don't have to go to work any more for many months - youpi! what a relief. and the baby is kicking away and 30 weeks along which is very viable and I'm happy.

I've hesitated about posting though because I'm frustrated for all the bloggers I love who have had bad news or even worse, no news, recently. Many of my favorite reads are just waiting and waiting to hear some good news or to get things going. It's not fair, it's not right, everyone should get the child their heart desires.

Especially this time of year when there are so many wonderful things going on for children and those who love them.

I almost lost it at Thanksgiving when a very old friend of mine said that maybe some people just aren't meant to have children. I was really unhappy - she knows infertiles and she should know better. And despite very irregular ovulation she got the two kids she wanted. People only say those things when they think they're somehow meant to have the good things they have.

So to all the dear souls out there waiting and waiting - I raise a big spiked glass of holiday eggnog to your courage and fortitude in the face of discouragement. You are my heroes. And my baby will live in a better world because of women like you.

girlfriends

2005-10-30T05:18:00.000-08:00

First off I have to say that my SIL has just offered to send me all of her super-fancy baby stuff so I simply can't complain about SILs anymore - well, actually, I could complain about my only other one who doesn't know we're expecting because she doesn't seem to be on speaking terms with us. Except she never actually said so, just doesn't communicate at all. Which brings me to my point....

I grew up on a farm in the Pacific Northwest but spent a lot of time in Europe where half of my relatives live. I now live in the Northeast and that particular SIL has spent pretty much her whole life in MA. So, perhaps the lack of warmth and fear of conflict, etc. is cultural. My in-laws are not warm and cuddly to say the least. Nor do they yell and scream or slam doors or weep profusely at family gatherings. They're just COMPLETELY unemotional and disengaged as far as I can see.

My family.... a lot more sturm and drang and a LOT more love. And if someone is being a cold-hearted ass, they get called on it, which results in more sturm and drang but never results in going incommunicado.

So when one gets older one finds a new family in the form of friends, and specifically girlfriends. What's a girl to do without girlfriends? And I have absolutely wonderful ones, who call me on my crap, who send me little presents, who answer the phone when it's too early for anyone to call, who will spend hours listening to the intricacies of my life and for whom I willingly do the same. However, they're all from the west and they all live far away. Luckily for me, they all live in places I love to visit, but still, pretty far away.

When I moved to the Northeast, I had no idea that it would be such a culture shock. I have lived on this side of the country for over 10 years and simply have not made true friends. Where I grew up, people helped eachother out, when I go home to visit I spend hours talking with the neighbors who seem to want me to move back as much as my parents do. Although, they too, think things have changed and there's a lot less community than there used to be.

I also have lived a lot in Europe. When I was there as a teenager living for a while with my grandmother, our absolute biggest fight was when I thought I would cancel plans with one friend because I had subsequently been invited to something that sounded like more fun. My grandmother (who is not even that old-fashioned) made it very, very, very clear that that simply is not done. If you make plans with someone, you are committed to that and too bad if something more tempting comes along. I was recently talking with someone here from the same country as my grandmother, we were talking about taking friendships seriously (or not), and she said of course one takes very good care of one's friends because "they are part of the fabric of who you are."

My far-away girlfriends are. The people I know here really aren't and I'm getting depressed about it. I have lived in this area over 6 years and thrown many, many parties, dinner parties, helped people move, given people things they need, taught free yoga classes, helped out in any way, invited people to things that sounded fun, etc. Yet I haven't got a good girlfriend to show for it and I'm beginning to wonder if it's cultural because it's so, so strange to me. I have friends here who
- have repeatedly cancelled at the last minute, even a planned weekend trip.
- have never invited me into their home (in 6+ years!)
- have never, never contacted me although they will always respond if I call or email
- eat meals in front of me and do not offer any food, at their house (my grandmother would be horrified)
- make plans with other people even if we already had plans
- come hours late when we do have plans
- will not reciprocate the smallest favor
- don't contact me for 4-5 months at a time and seem to think nothing of it
- stop talking to me if I say anything about being unhappy with the state of our friendship

But the saddest part for me is that they just aren't real girlfriends. When I first moved here and threw my first dinner party, I was floored when by 10 pm, after 1.5 bottles of wine total, my entire 8 guests had gone home. And they didn't even have kids, they had tv shows to watch. I miss hanging out, I miss staying up late talking about life, I miss simply spending time with people. Where I live isn't as bad as NYC where people will leave a social function after 20 minutes because they've got more things to do - but the lack of a fabric of friendship is, to me, a real, real social and cultural lack. I think it makes people bitter, crabby and intolerant. And I'm very afraid that that will happen to me.

What has happened to enjoying the good things in life with people whom you also enjoy? Now that I'm pregnant, it makes me even sadder. To play under the table while the grownups gab away with one more bottle, to be passed from lap to lap, to explore the nooks and crannies of the old neighbor's house, to sit on the porch catching fireflies and telling tales, my child's going to have to get on a plane, just like I do.

I mostly wanted to write this out to get it off my chest - but if any of you do get this, please let me know. Is it cultural? Do real East Coasters ever just have fun with their friends?

Life is short - and other people are all we really have in the end. I was reading the comments on Mare's blog about what makes people happy, and it got me to thinking.

What makes me really, really happy is connecting with other people but I'm afraid I'm going to forget how.

the good part...

2005-10-20T21:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, I just read Jenn's post about wanting to hear from pregnant bloggers so I'll update. I'm 23 weeks along and the baby moves all the time. This is absolutely wonderful for me. It's also a little creepy, along the lines of alien life forms doing god knows what down there, but I'm still enchanted. At this point, I'm actually pretty much in a good mood most of the time. When I'm not feeling weepy that is. So either my new therapist is really getting through to my old brain or I'm actually getting all blissed out! I have a noticeably round belly and we finally told my sour old in-laws. And I got maternity leave sorted out. Although I do worry about birth defects and the lot, my in-laws and my job were actually more real fears for me. We've opted not to know the sex of the baby which makes this very exciting. So I guess I want to say that even pregnant infertiles eventually get bliss and kicking. And for all of you infertiles with baby-making SILs - here's a little snarky treat. I know it's not very nice, so I'll probably take it down. And if I hadn't gotten pregnant I would probably enjoy this even more.... So here's the first photo I saw of the SIL's new baby.... seems quite karmic in a weird way. (and I'm sure the babe will grow up to be gorgeous but right now....sheesh)

tomorrow makes 17...

2005-09-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

...weeks that is. I have terrible guilt about being pregnant so I'm just posting a few things for my own memory.

As a long-time former infertile, I'm so guilty feeling, actually, that I had a very realistic dream about how upsetting my presence was to a very nice woman who works with me who has adopted (and has one bio kid). I woke up in the morning convinced I would have to soothe her because in my dream she was sobbing and so terribly sad about my pregnancy. Egads. In real life she'll probably be thrilled because she loves kids and she's always been nice to me.

About time I saw a new therapist, eh? I gave up on the old one who just commiserated. Okay, I know I work with crazy people, I know it's really hard to be a step-parent when the ex is HOSTILE, I know the world is going to hell, but I need some help here. Validation only goes so far for me.

My job situation is so, so, so bad that it's truly absurd. I'm so stressed out that I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I swear these people are truly ganging up on me and all I've done is do my job very well with no complaints for quite a few years. I think they watch too many reality tv shows and want to kick me off the island or out of the apartment or whatever. (I don't have a tv so I'm pretty bad at understanding the strategy.) The problem with my profession is once you lose your island it's very hard to find another one so even if the locals are narcissistic, lying, unappealling, spiteful loonies it's hard to get off. Ugh.

And the situation in New Orleans has made it very hard for me to sleep at night. It's so, so dreadful.

Anyhoo - there's good news too in the world, even if it's little personal things. Lots of people of all ages have suddenly found terrific new boyfriends and girlfriends. Warms the cockles of my heart, it does. AND my local infertile friend whose odds were just terrible, got pregnant!!! Yippee yi-yay. She'd been trying probably twice as long as I, is a little older, and was very, very discouraged. Now we're due just about 2 months apart. I'm so thrilled for her and for my selfish self of course because we can be in this together. We were going to the same RE so we were in all of that nonsense together but this is soooo much nicer.

More good news - I have a chest! Wowza. It seems fake since it's so pert and 2 cup sizes bigger already. I don't have a noticeable belly which makes me nervous but soon, soon I think.

I'm thinking of switching from my ob/gyn to a midwife because I want someone to pay more attention to me. It seems that other than maternal age everything looks pretty good so far.

Some people have told me I'm glowing but I think it's the booooobies (since they're mostly men!) but where, oh where, is the drugged out bliss state of pregnancy that will help me survive my terrible, terrible job?

And if any of you dear souls have come back to see what I'm up to - I have a question - how can I delete the ridiculous comment about lumber products on my last post?

and one more thing - InSpring if you're out there..... I miss you and I completely missed whatever happened to you since I was in dial-up land but I really, really hope you're doing okay.

just in case you were wondering...

2005-07-06T16:42:00.000-07:00

Eight weeks, one little squidgy blob in there, all is well. ONE MORE WEEK OF PIO!!! Praise the Lord - I'm damn sick of the shots.

Here are some little factoids for the curious amongst ya:

No real symptoms to speak of except gas (but hey that's just a fact of life) and a little carsick queasiness over the last few days. One person has already touched my belly - yikes - that was a little too soon - I blame it on weird yoga retreat food. I mean who wouldn't have a pregnant looking belly after a steady diet of beet burgers, mung beans and quinoa?

I've only bought one pregnancy book - Bun in the Oven - all the other ones have too much scary shit - fearmongering is good business.

I am standing on my head and doing shoulder stand pretty much every day and will do most yoga except for abdominal work and twisty poses.

Barnes and Noble IS stupider than Borders. I've always thought so and now I have proof. There are no other choices where I live which for a hypercritical literary fiend like myself is bad. The poor clerks there are regular victims of my snark. Anyhow, I always thought B+N was for the slightly more dimwitted. When I went to Borders to peruse pregnancy books they were right by health, and more specifically, women's health which is somewhere between diet, sex and relationships. Makes perfect sense. After 20 minutes in B+N looking in all those categories I found nothing but menopause and cancer. Something is missing from the larger spectrum of " women's health"! So I stuck out my gassy lentil belly and asked a person obligated to wear a tag around their neck. Turns out B+N keeps pregnancy books right next to... children's books! I said something snarky about them transforming me from a woman to a child but she didn't care. So down I had to go to the area with the small chairs and the stuffed animals and the pregnancy books.

When one is eight weeks pregnant one is a hell of a lot closer to SEX, RELATIONSHIPS and WOMENS HEALTH than one is to PARENTING and CHILDREN'S BOOKS.

Do the math. And no I didn't give them any money - What to Expect is too scary for me and the woman on the cover looks catatonic.

adieu, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye

2005-06-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

Third beta - 1769. No more blood tests needed, ultrasound in another 10 days or so.

Thank you all so much for your support. I started this blog because IF and IVF outraged and confused me. The whole process is demoralizing, destabilizing and ignored by the world at large. Little did I know my process would end after exactly 3.5 years of trying. Pregnancy on the other hand may be confusing but it is not an outrage, it is not ignored by the world.

I am not really interested in writing a pregnancy blog - there are many, many, many of them out there. If anything really bad or really good happens I may add a note, a sort of postcript to my narrative of IVF, but I don't think I'll be posting much more.

I spent a long time being a commenter and I want to continue - I am so touched and impressed by all of you out there. Amazingly strong and resilient women who are so giving and kind to complete strangers.

I will leave my IVF story up here for people to read. If someone comes along with my diagnosis they may find some solace in my happy end. I'll keep checking my email so feel free to ask me anything at all.

I'm tempted to keep doing book reviews and I'd love to start a blog about overachieving women professionals but at this point I'm afraid to write about my job.

I cannot thank all the commenters enough - even the anonymous ones - you were so, so helpful and kind to me.

With lots and lots of love and good wishes - Penelope

numbers

2005-06-14T09:53:00.000-07:00

If numbers = plot , here you go.

hcg on Monday afternoon 920

they say that's good

I was away for several days - I have to say I still don't feel a thing although my husband claims my 32A chest now has cleavage - har!

the call...

2005-06-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

I was so completely unable to work that I started a novel today while waiting for the call. It was the only thing that kept my mind off of things. A yoga mystery! Yee ha!

But who cares about that... you want the numbers...

beta 196

I can't believe it! I've never been pregnant in my life. They said they're still cautious but I'm excited. Next beta on Monday.

baby dreams

2005-06-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

Okay - mothers and IVf. Do you fill her in? I swore I wasn't going to tell my mother until it was all over with but then she just happened to call the day after the transfer when I was feeling optimistic and so I gave her the gory details. I love my mother and she is an amazing woman in many ways but she's a nudge, and sometimes an oblivious one. (and no I didn't inherit this, I am a very sensitive, never give advice kind of person, ha!). It takes one to know one and I just can't help myself sometimes. So how can she?

She called last night to ask, do I feel pregnant? do I feel anything? Am I doing positive visualization (and thanks to mc's anji rec I can say yes, daily!) and am I relaxing? and "don't freak out if it doesn't work out because you have those frozen ones." Since I am pretty emotional I have a reputation as the family freaker-outer. "Ohhh, don't freak out but.." prefaces many comments from my family to me. And then I freak out or on the other hand you could say I EXPRESS myself while they say la-de-da, let's have a picnic, feelings, what feelings? In my nie on 38 years I have never seen my mother cry or even really scream. I do these two on all odd days of the month with extras for leap years.

Finally my mother asks, "are you having dreams about babies?" This is a new pregnancy symptom I hadn't really thought much about. And lo and behold I fell asleep and did have a baby dream. I had a dark-haired boy (unlikely w/my gene pool) who had a name I didn't like, something fussy like Adair. He was in some sort of NICU (I read way too many blogs and kind of think this is what always happens when babies are born.) However, the NICU was manned by the secretaries from my work (who are only nice to me when their superiors are which is not the case at this time) and they wouldn't let me in unless it was the right hours and they kept him in a filing cabinet and policed my visits so I could never be alone with him. As the dream went on he kind of became my cat but was still a baby, a pretty ugly tiny baby.

Sigmund? Jacques? You got anything for me on this one?

thanks mom now I had a baby dream.

I think part of why my mother is so weird about all of this is that she had quite a few miscarriages (before and after having me) and on some level I think she really, really wants to fix this IF problem for me but just doesn't know how.

I've got nothing

2005-06-06T04:21:00.000-07:00

So I guess today is 10 days after the 3 day transfer and I haven't ever felt more normal. Normal breasts, no bloating, no weird food cravings, no fatigue other than moral, nothing. I feel PMS-y more than anything. Sad and crabby. Sad and crabby.

And yesterday I did a bad thing - reading everything on the internet and all those folks who had positives after IVF had symptoms and signs.

I'm not really up to POAS - I haven't got any and I don't know if I would believe it one way or another.

This 2ww really is the hardest part of IVF - if I do this again I'm planning a trip or something.

It's hard to tell what's hormonal and what's reality since I'm still completely demoralized about my job and I just don't know how to forget all that and focus on the positive since I feel no hope on any front.

AND it seems I was wrong about unfertilized embryos because according to a commenter an egg that does parthogenesis is an embryo - but not one that would ever become anything worth transferring - just ask Millie.

Democrats are stupid too...

2005-06-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

Now as an infertile I may be too hep on the vocabulary of reproduction but I think I would remember a fair amount of it from biology class. The sperm, the egg, the embryo, etc.

So did any of you hear Bill Clinton on NPR yesterday? He was talking about the whole embryo donation/stem cell research thing and said he has nothing against research on "unfertilized embryos."

WTF??!!??

I guess it's just as well that Bill preferred BJs because he doesn't seem to have a clue about human reproduction.

If you haven't already done so, go read Julie's (alittlepregnant.com) excellent and articulate rant on the whole snowbabies thing.

On a completely different note I had a crazy psychological breakthrough while doing Supta Bada Konasana and listening to the Anji IVF cd yesterday. Because of my particular family history, I am very, very, very anxious about rejection and I realized that part of my IVF freakout is the concern that the children-to-be won't want me. Call me daft. Call me nuts, but identifying the weird old source of my fears made me feel much better, and I do realize how ridiculous this is. Leave it to IF to make sure you relive all of your old traumas - even when the rational mind knows better. So now I'm as bad as the religous right, I'm even attributing personal choice to those cell clusters!

hard times

2005-06-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

Well it's getting harder and harder to think I might be pregnant. I feel nothing, nothing and I've got another week of waiting. My job situation seems hopeless at this point and I'm not sleeping well thinking I've wasted an awful lot of time on a profession that allows for truly crazy mean behavior. Unfortunately bad news triggers my anxiety/depression that all my positive efforts are for nought.

Additional stress is brought on by the concern that if I'm stressed out then this will be bad for any embryo action - so I lie in bed thinking "be calm" "be calm" "this is never going to work" "be calm" " the world is full of mean and nasty people and they have the power" "be calm..." and then it's 2 am, 3 am and I'm giving myself a headache.

I need a better therapist - mine basically said I'm strong and loving and I'll make it through all the crap. My mother could tell me that. My therapist said my job situation sounds like the Bush administration, mean-spirited people living in alternate realities. And that's not very helpful now is it?

My usually coping method for this sort of gloom and doom is to do crazy yoga poses where if I don't concentrate I'll crack my head open but that probably wouldn't be wise during this 2 week wait. Or I'd go mountain biking but that also seems too excessive.

A friend of mine is having serious surgery for cancer but she feels absolutely fine. She doesn't feel sick at all but the tests have shown there's something amiss. How can our bodies not tell us what is going on?

blood juice

2005-06-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

The very nice technician at the clinic recommended drinking a lot 1/2 hour before a blood draw so I got a bottle of that Brambleberry iced tea, that has a very rich purply blood color, and downed it before my blood test. Don't get excited. It was just an estrogen test and it was fine.

Two nice things though - when I got my blood just at some anonymous lab the technician said I deserved to have children so I could pass on my pretty hair. This was kind of a shocker for me since I have yet to dare think about what my children might actually look like - wow. But she seemed entirely confident that they would look like me and that would be a good thing. Do I dare visualize such things? After 3.5 years of hoping, I'm pretty cautious these days and working more on being resigned than optimistic. It's so scary.

Also at the blood draw lab were two new-born twins, I guess one doesn't need to say two. Anyhow they were there to get their blood drawn (eek) and they were each only about as long as my forearm. Teensy tiny little babes.

Pretty nifty stuff. This could all be very exciting if I had slightly more optimism. One more week to go until the next blood juice drinking and drawing session - the scary one!

In the NY Times this morning there is a very strange article about Christians "saving" embryos. The group calls themselves the Snowflakes and they're out to get your frozen embryos and save them by transferring them to good Christian women/families. I was a little sensitive to the NY Times misusing the word "implant" because frankly that's the part that seems to be uncontrollable and up to God, the universe, or karma. Here's hoping Cecily will give us a good rant on this one! I'm just so discouraged by the constant, constant battling over women's rights to reproduce - it's my damn body, it's my damn family, and they're MY choices.

the crazy time

2005-05-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

After transfer I was feeling quite optimistic. I think of the embryos more as little seeds settling into some nice fertile soil. My husband is very, very optimistic which is wonderful. The microscopic nature of all this is very odd. I walk around thinking about the extra cells in my body, but hey, I've got tons of cells of all sorts, many of whom I'm probably completely unaware of. But now I'm thinking about some little bitty cells and their growth. It's pretty cool but remains entirely abstract.

This morning I woke up feeling much less optimistic, basically because it's so mysterious and there is nothing to feel physically. Also because I had bad dreams about my job and I don't want them to get at my psyche.

The lesson I think I have learned so far is that all of this is not a personal failing. In Buddhism and yoga we work so hard on non-attachment and infertility (or a life-threatening illness) are crazy times to try out these life lessons. So many of the patients at the IF clinic look incredibly miserable and stressed out, no sense of humor when I proposed that we just sit on eachother's laps when there's a line at the blood draw station. We could do a little Shiva reenactment with arms going out both sides and blood. But no, they pretty much don't talk and don't laugh and often look white as sheets or really, really unhappy.

I'm not trying to make light of the situation and I will be very upset if this doesn't work out but somehow the craziness of this process and my job combined have pushed me beyond taking the universe personally. It is just not feasible that all of this insanity can be linked to my personal failings - and in a weird way if all of it can't then maybe none of it can.

I'm a very impatient person, the kind of person who drives you nuts fidgeting and wriggling when told to wait, (this is why I HAVE to do yoga or I would be truly nuts) so this time of waiting is very, very challenging and scary and strange.

But I do love thinking of little seeds slowly growing in the dark AND there are no raccoons in my womb!

p.s. I'm a blogging nincompoop - I don't know how to post my email or how to organize my archives by subject. Any hints?

quick update

2005-05-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

Three embryos transferred, everything seemed to go quite smoothly. Did yoga before and acupuncture afterwards WITH the anji cd recommended by mc downunder. Then went and ate falafel.

My husband is very optimistic, I'm baffled that this is even possible. It's an amazing process.

They gave us pictures of the embryos, 1 perfect 8-celled, 1 slightly less perfect 8-celled and 1 slightly less perfect 7-celled. We are worried about triplets but this is what the doctors thought would be best.

Interesting things about the process
- the entire quantity injected into me today was less than 1/250th of a teaspoon
- when they flush out the eggs they use a solution that is just like the fluid in the ovaries
- after transfer the embryologist takes the catheter back to the lab to make sure they all got out! (she has to look under a microscope).
- they did all get out and then I lay around with a full bladder for a while.

This is really fascinating stuff - I'm just amazed at the whole process and that it can work.

Thank you all so much for the good wishes, I'll post more later.

insta-Catholic?

2005-05-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Of the 17 eggs, 14 fertilized. 7 with ICSI, 7 the regular way. I am now the proud but virtual parent of 14 potential children. It boggles the mind. They are freezing 6 today and will do a transfer on Saturday morning of 2-3. I'm leaning towards 2 but I'll see what the Dr says.

I was very worried but I think this is excellent news.

Egg McMuffin

2005-05-25T13:53:00.000-07:00

So what is the biological reason for nerve endings in the ovaries? My egg retrieval was excruciatingly painful and it still hurts. Needless to say I came home, fell asleep, woke up and ate lots of cookies and missed yoga. Very bloated and sore.

They retrieved 18 eggs, one broke, so they have 17. As the RE was poking my ovaries the lab people were yelling through a little hole in the wall, "we've got 8, we've got 10" and so forth. The lab person told me afterwards that she's always tempted to ask "do you want fries with that?" but I guess most people wouldn't find that funny.

So one scrambled, 17 whole, no fries and hold the cramps, please.

They'll call tomorrow with a fertilization report. Thanks again for all the nice comments! You guys are wonderful.

smooth dart-like motion

2005-05-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

After some discussion of what this actually meant, I went to the bathroom and stuck the needle deep into my flesh. It hurt less than all those subcutaneous ones, and went in like butter. I guess for some reason I thought my flesh was more resilient. Anyhow, IM shot was no big deal. Only little mess-up was the poorly timed sex which was today not yesterday so now I'm worried the little spermies won't be so robust on Weds morning but such is life.

I feel like I'm toting billiard balls in my pelvis and I'm really tired but so far so good.

Retrieval tomorrow morning. I'm hoping I can function by the afternoon. They said no driving for 24 hours. Can any of you pros tell me if I can teach a yoga class about 8 hours after retrieval, I don't need to move around a lot, just be coherent.

thanks for all the nice comments!

hooked on narrative

2005-05-23T14:50:00.000-07:00

Since last November or so I've been reading IF blogs. In this time I've read a lot fewer novels and become completely hooked on the narratives out there. Plot twists at every turn. I get very sad when people go through utter nonsense and seem stuck in some kind of crazy drug hell and I get all weepy when the one little embryo transferred makes it. Some other bloggers have commented that they get a little worn-out by reading all the drama. I love it. Sorry. I'm just a sucker for narrative. So when I started writing I assumed there would be others like me reading and who are thinking, just give us the gory details, we want the plot!

So the little IVF plot is intramuscular HCG tonight, but only half the dosage. My first IM shot. I now have two cute circles drawn by the nurse on my upper butt. My husband said no way for the shots which is fine. Why make it unpleasant for both of us? Retrieval on Wednesday morning and if all goes well, this is where I start to get nervous, transfer on Saturday or Monday. I can't tell you how many follicles there are, I didn't ask but there seem to be plenty and plenty of large ones. All doctors keep saying "very good." Which I guess is an A- so that's good.

Cue the plot-thickening soundtrack....

signs?

2005-05-21T17:31:00.000-07:00

There's been some discussion about signs and signals and chances of fertility and everything working - good omens and so forth. Last summer, while I was in Switzerland, two storks flew over my head but I didn't get pregnant. I've rubbed pregnant bellies, held babies, had IUIs on special days, gotten sperm prayers, have a baby milagro, burnt candles, saw baby-shaped clouds and so forth. I've also faced more unluckiness in other aspects of my life than most people have to deal with so the law of averages should make me...fertile! Har. So as I go on with IVF, still on stims, here are my most recent signs that this will work:

1. The on-screen presence of Sandra Bullock in Crash gave my husband terrible gas, or so he claims. (His Qi is flowing and his sperm count will go up after all the digestive excitement).
2. On my way to my ultrasound today, all of which is indirectly linked to my husband's lowish sperm count, I got to hear the governor of Illinois talk about "testicular virility." (why can't we say balls any more?)
3. For the third night in a row the raccoons have neatly dug up my pea plants. I have now surrounded the plants with a concoction of chipotle peppers. (tender young life will grow despite the evil forces of the masked bandits)
4. I now have a mysterious bruise on my abdomen that sort of looks like a green heart. (it's a love vibe from my uterus)
5. I cannot imagine how my job situation could be any worse. (this is good, now I can obsess about something that's not IF)
6. The new Star Wars movie seems to be about the revenge of the cysts. (but I think it's fiction so in real life they won't win)

This sign business is for the birds. Seriously, why have I believed in it all my life? Now that I am older and wiser I just don't see how good things come in three or bad things do or rainbows come after rain, etc. It seems completely random out there in the universe. Or maybe I just don't have the right equations to figure it all out BUT I thought all this meant I would get pregnant. Otherwise how can I bear to go to the movies with an audibly farting person, I just can't sacrifice any more unless it's going to get me some good karma!

leave my peas in peace you scavengers!

IF, it's everywhere

2005-05-19T18:29:00.000-07:00

I do love the woman who draws my blood - some months we spend more time together than I do with my closest friends. We see eachother early in the morning, on weekends, through good times and bad. I've been going to this clinic for a good year and a half so we've had some nice conversations over the vials.

Today she finally told me her child (now a teenager) was born after 8 years of trying and IVF. Wow. And now she draws our blood. During those many years she was trying to get pregnant she worked the same job in OBgyn - in delivery. Unbelievable. I would have cracked I think.

There are some pretty amazing women out there.

where's the karma?

2005-05-18T04:24:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my first IVF cycle. I'm supposed to take care of myself and avoid stress. Why isn't the universe cooperating? I'm facing crazy personal stress at work. This would not be the week to sneak into my office and leave weirdly accusatory letters now would it? And if I had known there was going to be covert character assault would I have left the notepad by my phone with those oh-so-revealing words??? "Gonal-F" followed by dollar signs. (I have an office with a door that locks and people in charge never enter it, usually).

Maybe they have no idea what that means - does the general public know a fertility drug when they see it? Why couldn't they wait for some other month to really pick on me?

Why isn't the universe helping me to RELAX? What kind of craziness is this?

Although I have to say, I love my clinic even more, when I burst into tears after all this the blood technician started ranting in my favor and giving me legal advice. Yay! someone is on my side but I sure have to pay a lot for the sympathy.

Good news is that the RE said everything looked "very good" my estrogen is at 128 (I don't know what that means) there are plenty of follicles and the lining is where it's supposed to be. I go back for an ultrasound - and professional sympathy on Thursday.

how'd they find me?

2005-05-16T19:15:00.000-07:00

So I've heard the tales of infertiles getting Similac coupons in the mail and so forth. Today I received a letter, "Your name has been carefully selected to take part in this critical national referendum on......", now there are a lot of national referenda about which I have something to say, but overpopulation? I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I want to have a baby and I'm guilty as charged.

Should I put the free overpopulation magnet on my fridge? The part that baffles me is that we are getting overpopulated because of "births, teenage and unplanned pregnancies, internal and external immigration..." Are teenage and unplanned pregnancies somehow not births? And what about the overly planned pregnancy? I guess I just can't tell where these people lie on the political spectrum. I'll keep giving my $ to Planned Parenthood for the time being.

day 3 of stims

2005-05-16T05:07:00.000-07:00

I'm up to 3 shots a day - tired of all the poking. Tomorrow I go in for the first real ultrasound - this seems to all be going at a snail's pace. I've done IUI with injectables but somehow this is different. It's like I'm already preparing myself for the end what with thinking about adoption and looking at horses. Want to hang out with childfree people? Many of them are at the stables. They have horses and sporty cars and they are couples who do things TOGETHER like owning a horse and going on trips. But I'm thinking a couple who can be with their horse 4x a week just doesn't have kids at home. Or they have kids with NO after-school activities whatsoever which frankly is non-existent in the my overachieving neck of the woods.

If I psych myself out for failure and then the IVF works will it be more like a real oops pregnancy? Or should I sit and do lots and lots of positive visualization with those moxa sticks and my belly? It's all so abstract and future-oriented. Where is the "be here now" of IVF? The Ram Dass of the hypodermic syringe? The present-mindedness of the subcutaneous shot?

Do you wake up in the morning and embrace your shot-mindedness? Or does it just make you crabby?

Someone should write a book on this. The spirituality of IVF (see Internal Spring's recent Buddha post for more on this).

Whether you go to church or meditate at home, how does spirituality enter into your dealings with ART? not the morality or culture per se but rather your own feelings about being in the process and being a spiritual being.

2005-05-13T13:48:00.000-07:00

OR............

2005-05-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

which one?

IVFperiod

2005-05-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

my first period on Lupron - I forgot about those periods that are traumatic events. After many years of nonchalance I have now suffered a bout of public bleeding (not spotting) other people SAW that I was on my period and I'm a grown woman - this is insane. It's like being a teenager again except without all the heavy petting. I don't know if this is typical but it's pretty wacky for me.

the red sea.

another book review

2005-05-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

When I first tried to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant, we were told it was unexplained. I had all the right plumbing and hormones. Time went by. Then they decided our diagnosis was male factor, sometimes my husband's sperm count is very low, sometimes it's just lowish. He went to the man-doctor who said no varicocele one time, yes varicocele the other time. Whatever. Not a solution for us. My man has contributed much in his ongoing hot affair with the plastic cup but that was it. I won't bore you with the list of everything, but I have taken oral drugs, injectibles, have had my cervix poked through at least 11 times, have probably had a gazillion ultrasounds, etc. This despite there being nothing wrong with me. They eventually found a polyp but that can't explain 3 ½ years of infertility.

I am a feminist – this whole business struck me as extremely sexist. Why attack me and my poor cervix? Why is ALL of the high-tech stuff focused on MY body? and why do I continue to go along with it?

So here's another book review. Don't be scared by the title, it's a very intellectual book and the depressing parts are not about failure but have to do with feminism and identity (and perhaps the author's use of words that make me feel tired, "liminal" "material-discursive" "normative" "discourses of gender," etc.). Anyhow…

When IVF Fails: Feminism, infertility and the negotiation of normality by Karen Throsby

This is a British book by a sociologist which caught my eye. Her basic premise is that IVF represents the meeting of nature and technology. When it works, nature is helped. However, when it doesn't work is basically not discussed, seen as the woman's fault, framed as baby consumerism, and that is when the meeting of nature and technology gets very problematic. The first IVF baby was by no means the first IVF attempt, I didn't know that. It took a lot of tries. Even the term IVF is a misnomer in her analysis since it is only about "fertilization." Which as we all know is a key component but fertilization ≠ baby in hand. She writes: "the term IVF, in centering on the moment of fertilisation, fails to even hint at the full process of engaging with the technology" (11).

Throsby writes: "The image is one of the natural order restored and rests heavily on the assumption of the naturalness of reproduction, particularly for women, and the understanding of science as progressive and capable of comprehending and controlling human reproduction." (2). But what happens to that natural order when there is no baby? That's why she chose to interview couples for whom IVF had "failed" in one way or another.

I liked the author's own definition of infertility "the active but frustrated desire for a biologically related child" (14). When couples choose to stop IVF they are not removing the desire, they are just changing their actions. Infertility as desire never goes away. However, by having gone through IVF, couples can prove to society that they are normal, that they do indeed have the desire for children and have done everything they can. She presents it as a damned if you do, damned if you don't scenario. I feel that is still very much how people react – I want children (socially acceptable female behavior), I am over 35 and desperately want children or am a lesbian who wants children (socially questioned female behavior). Our desires as women are thus always secondary to gender or social norms.

It's a long and wordy book but the key arguments are very interesting to me. Her discussions of finances and adoption are coming out of a British context where the NHS exists and where, according to her, domestic adoptions are rare and difficult (I didn't know that).

Throsby's conclusion is that IVF is a form of women's work and should be seen as such. It is not just about fertilization or the embryo. It is about women's bodies yet the woman's body disappears from the entire discourse. She analyzes fertility clinic brochures which always juxtapose cute baby – nature - with white lab coats - technology.

Basically, her conclusion is that this whole process will continue to be very, very hard on women as long as we are entrenched in the gender stereotypes that govern the entire discourse surrounding reproduction. I, for one, don't see this changing AT ALL in the US in our current political climate where embryo rights are far more important than women's rights but one can dream of the day when society will change.

I think she's on the right track – I would like to see a version of this in layman's terms or in the popular press. Her points are excellent.

P.S. I just looked up the author and see she has written a lot on the topic - I've got to read this one!..."'Vials, ampoules and a bucketful of syringes': the experience of the self-administration of hormonal drugs in IVF" Karen Throsby (2002) Feminist Review 72: 62-77

ooh baby horses!

2005-05-09T16:12:00.000-07:00

I get to see foals frolicking when I drive in to work - they are so adorable that I blurted out to my friend, "I don't want a baby, I want a foal!" They are so graceful and they can walk! human babies look kind of lumpy in comparison.

So imagine my delight when I learned today that my clinic's embryologist raises Arabians. Maybe I will get a foal-baby. It just warms my heart to know the scientist in charge loves horses.

All systems go. Drugs are on their way, big shots start on Saturday.

time for book reviews!

2005-05-08T18:53:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of taking charge I got several books on infertility – a few quite academic and then some more popular press – I'll try to post reviews as I get through them in the hopes that this might be useful for someone.

So this week I got through two.
First – The Infertility Survival Handbook
by Elizabeth Swire-Falker
This is a very informative and friendly book but a little too "lite" for my liking. She covers all the basics, especially about IVF. She eventually adopted and wished that she had done it much, much earlier and also addresses choosing a child-free life. This would be a great book for someone who had no idea what they were going to go through with ART. Since I've been at this for a while, however, I don't know if it would be my first choice. I found out most of what she talks about on blogs and her conversational, chatty tone made me a little impatient. This would be a great gift for someone who was facing infertility and maybe who didn't have anyone to talk to and/or was uncomfortable talking about the nitty-gritty details. It's more like chick lit than like science but her heart is definitely in the right place and her information is very good.

Second – Infertility and Identity by Devaraux and Hammerman
This book is written for therapists who have to deal with infertile clients. The tone is thus much more academic. I really liked this book even though I am not a therapist and don't wish to replace my therapist. Their investigation and understanding of the scope of infertility and its consequences is thorough, kind and far-reaching. The first idea they raise is to get clients to think beyond infertility as identity, to remember they are much more than that. "…the primary objective of our model is to help clients stop labelling themselves as infertile and integrate the experience of infertility into their whole being, along with all other aspects of their identity"(12). This is scary stuff for some of us but also wisdom with which many veteran bloggers would probably agree. I found myself quite moved by the proposition, even though it seems rather simple. The book emphasizes that therapists need to know about any specific concerns like a history of abuse, addiction, cultural or religious issues, etc. The authors constantly remind therapists that every single situation is different. On this point they also insist that infertile therapists may not make the best therapists for infertile patients because, although sympathetic, they can be blinded by their experience and think it's the ONLY experience of infertility. I say amen to that as well. There really is a wealth of information in this book but it is in clinical-speak so you have to pay attention. At the end of the book they address concerns I had never really thought about, concerns about how infertility never really goes away (another theme we've seen on many blogs). The authors raise issues of how an adoptive couple will deal with their adopted daughter's pregnancy (bet you hadn't thought of that one but it's going to be weird), how people who have accepted and embraced childfree life can be completely thrown off by an unexpected pregnancy, and how deaths and tragedies throughout life will resurrect the grief of infertility and infertility will thus color many life experiences. These authors have thought through so many of the issues – get your therapists to read this book or pick it up yourself if you want a serious read.

tomorrow - baseline ultrasound and writing the big IVF check... here we go!

how to feel?

2005-05-06T08:58:00.000-07:00

Darling Hashai (hashai.com/blog) just wrote about not knowing how to feel and she's just finished IVF and it didn't work.

I dread being in that final "not knowing how to feel" situation but I think that it is only one of many in our strange adventures.

I've been trying to educate myself on what I'm going through. Many books talk about the grieving of infertility. I for one am pretty bad at grieving and also am not so sure about the emotional effects of grieving on a regular 28 day cycle. I am just now starting my first IVF cycle after 3 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant.

How do I feel? How should I feel? are the questions that haunt me on a daily basis.

In the early years of infertility (with a little help from that bad drug, Clomid) - I felt rage, jealousy, anger and bitterness at the unfairness of it all. There were often times I felt complete despair and sadness but I must say that these were always brought on by infertility + something else that's awful. So bad day at work + period = massive sobbing. Or family drama + rude people + bad weather + negative stick = sad, sad, sad.

I must say that just infertility alone does not make me sad per se. It's a weirder, less definite feeling. Sometimes there's relief mixed in, or anticipation, or obsession, or a sense of being resigned. The infertility feelings can fluctuate within seconds, like a little stream.

Now that we're starting IVF I'm very afraid of more situations where I don't know how or what to feel. The drugs make me crabby and a little depressed, the possibility of actually getting pregnant makes me VERY excited, the anticipation that we will have to give this all up makes me actually feel peaceful, the poking and prodding of my body makes me feeled used and violated, the love of my husband makes me feel like my life is really much better than I ever thought it would be.

When I tell people about this cycle, I realize over and over again that no one knows how to feel. A very dear friend (who loves children) reacts in a "I could never do that" sort of way. My mother thinks this is great and will all work. My IF friends are cautious. Some members of my family really don't want to know, others have told me they pray special sperm prayers for us.

IVF brings out odd reactions in the general public - and IVF brings out odd reactions for those of us going through it who really get lost in the process.

How to feel? it's very odd - I don't know what to compare it to. It's both like gambling and mourning and jumping off a cliff and quietly measuring meds day after day - what is all of this?

My quandary is that I have two distinct tendencies both of which are reinforced by others. My acupuncturist says take this time to relax, be happy, enjoy life, be in a really good space. So I feel like protecting myself, like ignoring work, planting more flowers, planning to read lots of novels, doing restorative yoga - basically checking out.

My therapist actually suggested that this could be a very cathartic time because my emotions will be on the surface so I could go through powerful grieving over other family stuff, face my past, delve into the depths of my own personal sadness and complexity. And I think this is the time to do more creative writing, to think about what's really important in life, to reconnect with people who were important to me, to make myself entirely vulnerable to the world - since I will be that anyhow.

I'm afraid that I'll wake up and do #2 and by lunch do #1 and by the end of the month still not know how I feel about all of this.

how to survive an IVF cycle

2005-05-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

According to the Infertility Guide or some such title it is good to start a little care package for yourself while going through this month of shots and emotional stress.

they suggest:
some fun movies - I got all of the 10 Commandments (The Decalogue) by Kieslowski
light reading, magazines - I've got the Nation and New York Review of Books
fun bath oil, pampering goods - I've got needles and alcohol swabs
special treats - I've got some good olives
spa appointments - I'm taking my cat for her shots

something tells me I'm just not girly enough for this crap
can one get pregnant without chick flicks, chick lit, face masks and sparkly toenail polish?

real real parents

2005-05-03T08:38:00.000-07:00

I am a step-parent and I have been for 5 years. The kids are basically with us half the time so that's a lot of kid time. When I met them they were just hitting adolescence so it was kind of like go straight to teenage life without collecting $200 or getting to squeeze a toddler. I grew up with a step-parent so I have very clear ideas about what matters in this kind of situation.

They need as much love, attention and respect as possible from as many adults as possible. My step-parent was pretty aloof, I try to be very engaged.

And they need to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and learn how to travel and learn about music and be exposed to different ways of living and play in nature and learn to be courageous in our world.

One thing that is very strange is that their mother is completely threatened by me - I say strange because I don't make them call me anything mom-like and I relish being step and not regular mom. I have a completely different role, and frankly, it's a good one. I do not wish to replace, I couldn't replace her but then again she couldn't bring to their lives all that I do. It's cumulative in all ways, more love, more listening, more perspectives on life, more attention.

So I was reading some of Karen's thoughts (at the Naked Ovary) and reflecting on the most recent fiascos with "real mom." I'm a parent and the kids know it. They never refer to any other parent as being more "real." But their insecure mother does all the time. And frankly I worry about the kids getting the message that she is afraid they don't love her enough.

Perhaps the great thing about being an adoptive or step-parent is that we know we love our kids and they know we love them because the reason we are here with them has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with choosing to love. I don't know if this is coming out right. But there is something to be said for kids seeing adults making a real effort to be with them and to be engaged when they're with them.

Any thoughts?

lupron

2005-05-02T05:53:00.000-07:00

excerpts from an infertile's notebook

1. first day of Lupron, IVF looming on the horizon
2. my brother now knows his wife is having a boy in August...wonder when he's actually going to tell me about the pregnancy?
3. who should I tell about the IVF cycle?
3a. pro - provides many more opportunities for bingo (see Akeeyu's site)
3b. con - provides many more opportunities for bingo

any advice? I would love the sympathy about the shots, the extraterrestial probes, the stress, HOWEVER, I don't really want long-distance monitoring by my often oblivious family.

For the time being I've been vague - and even in the vague conversations I've been getting lots of bingos.

coming soon.... book review of Infertility and Identity

2005-04-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

A darling friend of mine is getting married! This is my first felting project and so if you see a petite and embarrassed woman toting this about - tell her congratulations on the upcoming nuptials! This is from Vogue Knitting.

Rose Trellis Bag

a little advice...

2005-04-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm reading a book on how to treat infertiles in therapy. Waiting to see if my therapist sneaks in any of these moves. Overall the book is interesting and I will post a review once I've finished. However, this made me laugh out loud even though I'm depressed.

un rire noir as they say in French.

here's a helpful tip when your therapy clients are so stuck on having biological children:

"For instance, you can name well-known people who never had biological children, who have made significant contributions to humankind, such as Jesus, Helen Keller, Tennessee Williams, Mother Teresa, and Tom Cruise."

that's right me, Jesus and Tom all in one breath.

Don't you feel much better now?

owie ouch ouch

2005-04-27T18:36:00.000-07:00

Okay so they did an endometrial biopsy to get out the tiny polyp. They stuck 4mm catheters, metal dilaters, something called a mandarin, flexible catheters, stiffer catheters, etc. into my cervix. ow ow ow ow

Hey now I distinctly know the difference between cervical pain and uterine pain - if I ever get pregnant I'll know where the pain is coming from!

It was about as pleasant as getting a root canal from Edward Scissorhands without Novocaine.

But the damn polyp is no more so IVF here we go!

the plot thickens

2005-04-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

completely distracted by the smell of boeuf bourguignon simmering on the stove - mmmmm. Lest you be concerned I am a healthy carnivore who can say boeuf and polyp in the same breath without a moment's hesitation - maybe I should say boeuf and polype (Fr) pah-leep or poeuf and balleep - which sounds like Indian cartoon characters or pboeu and ahleep.

so I hear from my RE on Monday and now there is suddenly a way to remove the polyp WITHOUT SURGERY just with your regular old catheter and they can do it tomorrow morning.

My husband thinks it's because they finally realized who we are (we aren't much but our employer is their employer too) but maybe it was talking to another doctor who realized that mine was seriously pissing me off.

Did my weepy face have lawsuit written all over it?

All I have to do is take two ibuprofen and show up tomorrow.

I am writing this so that any of you out there will know that somehow there is a way with catheter and ultrasound to remove polyps WITHOUT ANESTHESIA. But it's a secret and they'll only tell you if you make a fuss, are important like us or weep in the hallway.

and it takes two doctors - maybe that's why it was a secret.

the lengths to which we go...

2005-04-25T08:22:00.000-07:00

I've seen a lot of lists on blogs so I thought I'd write one as well.

Things I NEVER thought I would do but have done while trying to get pregnant:

1. Prepared syringes and given myself shots in a public bathroom with drunks in the next stall.
2. Had sex within earshot of my parents.
3. Taken mysterious Chinese herbs with no questions asked.
4. Had my cervix poked at least 10 times (it hurts like the dickens).
5. Cancelled trips to the South of France.
6. Gone to an acupuncturist (never thought I would but now I like it).
7. Stopped standing on my head.
8. Started standing on my head more.
9. Taken mind-altering hormone drugs in large doses.
10. Had sex when I didn't want to.
11. Didn't have sex when I did want to.
12. Taken my temperature when waking up (horrible).
13. Burned moxa sticks while waving them over my belly.
14. Read blogs obsessively.
15. Gone on boring business trips with my husband just to have obligatory sex.
16. Made my husband go on same with me for same reason.
17. Believed medical professionals.
18. Thought about suing medical professionals.
19. Used vaginal suppositories, ick, ick, ick.
20. Voluntarily had surgery with general anesthesia.

21. Started a blog!

should I do IVF if I don't trust my RE?

2005-04-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

Obsession of this weekend. In January we finally decided to go forward with IVF. We found the money and decided to bite the bullet. Then I was told I needed another exam, the saline version of they hysterosalpingiogram. I have been going to this RE for over a year so I was surprised she'd never mentioned it at any of our previous meetings discussing IVF. I actually only found out because I went to IVF orientation for the free cookies.

Saline exam in Jan - two small polyps. RE says surgery is a must before IVF. They can't book me until end of March. (tick tock clock). Many weeks on BCP and general anesthesia and several days lost. She couldn't get through my cervix to do the surgery! Now this is after 7 IUIs and many, many exams. Part of my IUI ritual had become the nurse gaily waving the very bent catheter with glee to show me just how crooked my cervix was. So my RE can't go through with the surgery because.... drumroll... my cervix is crooked, very crooked. But we all knew this!

Another saline exam this week. Polyp still there. Hello little polyp. My RE doesn't show up (is she hiding from me?) and I talk to a different doctor who says 1. this polyp not so bad, top of uterus, maybe IVF ok AND 2. crooked cervix, no problem, different surgery protocol to whisk away the polyp. So then she asks me if I want to wait several months for another surgery or go forward with IVF.

Aren't they supposed to be informing me? I'm enraged. I have no idea what to do and I don't trust the lot of them. I am crooked cervix girl - I have a reputation with those nasty bent catheters - did my RE forget? Is she not reading my files? Is the whole clinic just making shit up so I won't give up and they can keep my $$? Why are they wasting my time, my money, my goodwill and abusing my poor nether regions like that?

any advice?

party like it's 1999

2005-04-23T05:38:00.000-07:00

bear with me - I can't believe we have to edit our own code for blogger. I keep hearing that Prince song as I type my little html codes - how tedious - slightly less interesting than balancing my checkbook and a lot less interesting than obsessing while staring at the wall

testing..testing

2005-04-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

I have been reading IF blogs for the last 10 months or so and I do believe that I would have lost my mind without them. My RE is not making any sense and I'm tired of the run-around so I thought I'd post a bit and see what voices responded out there.

We've been getting ready for IVF for close to 6 months now and spanners are being tossed into the works over and over again. And we ain't getting any younger!

Mother's day, preg SIL, hiding RE, you name it... same story as on many blogs. It may take me a while to find my poetic voice here...

gorey details to follow