real real parents

I am a step-parent and I have been for 5 years. The kids are basically with us half the time so that's a lot of kid time. When I met them they were just hitting adolescence so it was kind of like go straight to teenage life without collecting $200 or getting to squeeze a toddler. I grew up with a step-parent so I have very clear ideas about what matters in this kind of situation.

They need as much love, attention and respect as possible from as many adults as possible. My step-parent was pretty aloof, I try to be very engaged.

And they need to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and learn how to travel and learn about music and be exposed to different ways of living and play in nature and learn to be courageous in our world.

One thing that is very strange is that their mother is completely threatened by me - I say strange because I don't make them call me anything mom-like and I relish being step and not regular mom. I have a completely different role, and frankly, it's a good one. I do not wish to replace, I couldn't replace her but then again she couldn't bring to their lives all that I do. It's cumulative in all ways, more love, more listening, more perspectives on life, more attention.

So I was reading some of Karen's thoughts (at the Naked Ovary) and reflecting on the most recent fiascos with "real mom." I'm a parent and the kids know it. They never refer to any other parent as being more "real." But their insecure mother does all the time. And frankly I worry about the kids getting the message that she is afraid they don't love her enough.

Perhaps the great thing about being an adoptive or step-parent is that we know we love our kids and they know we love them because the reason we are here with them has nothing to do with biology and everything to do with choosing to love. I don't know if this is coming out right. But there is something to be said for kids seeing adults making a real effort to be with them and to be engaged when they're with them.

Any thoughts?