fruchtbarkeit

Friday, May 06, 2005

how to feel?

Darling Hashai (hashai.com/blog) just wrote about not knowing how to feel and she's just finished IVF and it didn't work.

I dread being in that final "not knowing how to feel" situation but I think that it is only one of many in our strange adventures.

I've been trying to educate myself on what I'm going through. Many books talk about the grieving of infertility. I for one am pretty bad at grieving and also am not so sure about the emotional effects of grieving on a regular 28 day cycle. I am just now starting my first IVF cycle after 3 1/2 years of trying to get pregnant.

How do I feel? How should I feel? are the questions that haunt me on a daily basis.

In the early years of infertility (with a little help from that bad drug, Clomid) - I felt rage, jealousy, anger and bitterness at the unfairness of it all. There were often times I felt complete despair and sadness but I must say that these were always brought on by infertility + something else that's awful. So bad day at work + period = massive sobbing. Or family drama + rude people + bad weather + negative stick = sad, sad, sad.

I must say that just infertility alone does not make me sad per se. It's a weirder, less definite feeling. Sometimes there's relief mixed in, or anticipation, or obsession, or a sense of being resigned. The infertility feelings can fluctuate within seconds, like a little stream.

Now that we're starting IVF I'm very afraid of more situations where I don't know how or what to feel. The drugs make me crabby and a little depressed, the possibility of actually getting pregnant makes me VERY excited, the anticipation that we will have to give this all up makes me actually feel peaceful, the poking and prodding of my body makes me feeled used and violated, the love of my husband makes me feel like my life is really much better than I ever thought it would be.

When I tell people about this cycle, I realize over and over again that no one knows how to feel. A very dear friend (who loves children) reacts in a "I could never do that" sort of way. My mother thinks this is great and will all work. My IF friends are cautious. Some members of my family really don't want to know, others have told me they pray special sperm prayers for us.

IVF brings out odd reactions in the general public - and IVF brings out odd reactions for those of us going through it who really get lost in the process.

How to feel? it's very odd - I don't know what to compare it to. It's both like gambling and mourning and jumping off a cliff and quietly measuring meds day after day - what is all of this?

My quandary is that I have two distinct tendencies both of which are reinforced by others. My acupuncturist says take this time to relax, be happy, enjoy life, be in a really good space. So I feel like protecting myself, like ignoring work, planting more flowers, planning to read lots of novels, doing restorative yoga - basically checking out.

My therapist actually suggested that this could be a very cathartic time because my emotions will be on the surface so I could go through powerful grieving over other family stuff, face my past, delve into the depths of my own personal sadness and complexity. And I think this is the time to do more creative writing, to think about what's really important in life, to reconnect with people who were important to me, to make myself entirely vulnerable to the world - since I will be that anyhow.

I'm afraid that I'll wake up and do #2 and by lunch do #1 and by the end of the month still not know how I feel about all of this.

4 Comments:

At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do you have to choose between 1 and 2? I am not sure they contradict each other. Taking time to relax and enjoy being with yourself, and cathartic reflection on grief, they could go together, no? It could be a calm, peaceful time to make peace with sad things you've been to that have brought you to where you are now. Personally I don't think grief is entirely an unhappy thing, and that probably sounds masochistic but I think it is just paradoxical. There are moments of happiness, or wellbeing, in feeling at one with your true self, and all of our true selves are formed in part in grief.

Um, so, I think I am really dumb. Last time I tried to comment on your blog I couldn't figure out how. Now I can't figure out how to e-mail you. Where is the handy "e-mail me" button?

I would LOVE to hear your acupuncturist recommendations. Of course you are right about Dr. Prick. As soon as I started reading people's comments on my post it clicked: I must be crazy to have even though about letting this person whose judgment I don't trust prescribe strange herbs I know nothing about and stick needles in me. So, it's time to find another one. So e-mail ME. I have an "e-mail me button."

Thanks!

And good luck with the IVF!

 
At 5:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You articulated the same feeling I've been having about starting IVF even better than I could have for myself. Thank you.

 
At 7:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ooh, beautiful introspection. I'm finished with IVF and I still don't know how I feel about all of it. I'm not sure the ambivalence ever goes away. I hope very soon you have reason to feel joy along with everything else.

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger Susie said...

I had a lot more trouble handling infertility (in my case, miscarriages) when I was taking Clomid. Oh my God, it made me totally crazy. Now, even though I have had lots more miscarriages, I'm not so desperate and depressed as I was when I was taking those awful pills.

I don't know how to feel either though. With every new step I take (for instance, the injections I started giving myself on Friday) I discover that I am able to handle it better than I could have imagined a year or two ago. At one time, moving on to injections seemed insurmountable. Now I can understand how people take the step to IVF, when before that just seemed like going to another planet.

Anyway yours are thoughtful questions. Good luck in your cycle.

susie
www.notahabit.blogspot.com

 

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