tomorrow makes 17...

...weeks that is. I have terrible guilt about being pregnant so I'm just posting a few things for my own memory.

As a long-time former infertile, I'm so guilty feeling, actually, that I had a very realistic dream about how upsetting my presence was to a very nice woman who works with me who has adopted (and has one bio kid). I woke up in the morning convinced I would have to soothe her because in my dream she was sobbing and so terribly sad about my pregnancy. Egads. In real life she'll probably be thrilled because she loves kids and she's always been nice to me.

About time I saw a new therapist, eh? I gave up on the old one who just commiserated. Okay, I know I work with crazy people, I know it's really hard to be a step-parent when the ex is HOSTILE, I know the world is going to hell, but I need some help here. Validation only goes so far for me.

My job situation is so, so, so bad that it's truly absurd. I'm so stressed out that I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I swear these people are truly ganging up on me and all I've done is do my job very well with no complaints for quite a few years. I think they watch too many reality tv shows and want to kick me off the island or out of the apartment or whatever. (I don't have a tv so I'm pretty bad at understanding the strategy.) The problem with my profession is once you lose your island it's very hard to find another one so even if the locals are narcissistic, lying, unappealling, spiteful loonies it's hard to get off. Ugh.

And the situation in New Orleans has made it very hard for me to sleep at night. It's so, so dreadful.

Anyhoo - there's good news too in the world, even if it's little personal things. Lots of people of all ages have suddenly found terrific new boyfriends and girlfriends. Warms the cockles of my heart, it does. AND my local infertile friend whose odds were just terrible, got pregnant!!! Yippee yi-yay. She'd been trying probably twice as long as I, is a little older, and was very, very discouraged. Now we're due just about 2 months apart. I'm so thrilled for her and for my selfish self of course because we can be in this together. We were going to the same RE so we were in all of that nonsense together but this is soooo much nicer.

More good news - I have a chest! Wowza. It seems fake since it's so pert and 2 cup sizes bigger already. I don't have a noticeable belly which makes me nervous but soon, soon I think.

I'm thinking of switching from my ob/gyn to a midwife because I want someone to pay more attention to me. It seems that other than maternal age everything looks pretty good so far.

Some people have told me I'm glowing but I think it's the booooobies (since they're mostly men!) but where, oh where, is the drugged out bliss state of pregnancy that will help me survive my terrible, terrible job?

And if any of you dear souls have come back to see what I'm up to - I have a question - how can I delete the ridiculous comment about lumber products on my last post?

and one more thing - InSpring if you're out there..... I miss you and I completely missed whatever happened to you since I was in dial-up land but I really, really hope you're doing okay.