girlfriends
First off I have to say that my SIL has just offered to send me all of her super-fancy baby stuff so I simply can't complain about SILs anymore - well, actually, I could complain about my only other one who doesn't know we're expecting because she doesn't seem to be on speaking terms with us. Except she never actually said so, just doesn't communicate at all. Which brings me to my point....
I grew up on a farm in the Pacific Northwest but spent a lot of time in Europe where half of my relatives live. I now live in the Northeast and that particular SIL has spent pretty much her whole life in MA. So, perhaps the lack of warmth and fear of conflict, etc. is cultural. My in-laws are not warm and cuddly to say the least. Nor do they yell and scream or slam doors or weep profusely at family gatherings. They're just COMPLETELY unemotional and disengaged as far as I can see.
My family.... a lot more sturm and drang and a LOT more love. And if someone is being a cold-hearted ass, they get called on it, which results in more sturm and drang but never results in going incommunicado.
So when one gets older one finds a new family in the form of friends, and specifically girlfriends. What's a girl to do without girlfriends? And I have absolutely wonderful ones, who call me on my crap, who send me little presents, who answer the phone when it's too early for anyone to call, who will spend hours listening to the intricacies of my life and for whom I willingly do the same. However, they're all from the west and they all live far away. Luckily for me, they all live in places I love to visit, but still, pretty far away.
When I moved to the Northeast, I had no idea that it would be such a culture shock. I have lived on this side of the country for over 10 years and simply have not made true friends. Where I grew up, people helped eachother out, when I go home to visit I spend hours talking with the neighbors who seem to want me to move back as much as my parents do. Although, they too, think things have changed and there's a lot less community than there used to be.
I also have lived a lot in Europe. When I was there as a teenager living for a while with my grandmother, our absolute biggest fight was when I thought I would cancel plans with one friend because I had subsequently been invited to something that sounded like more fun. My grandmother (who is not even that old-fashioned) made it very, very, very clear that that simply is not done. If you make plans with someone, you are committed to that and too bad if something more tempting comes along. I was recently talking with someone here from the same country as my grandmother, we were talking about taking friendships seriously (or not), and she said of course one takes very good care of one's friends because "they are part of the fabric of who you are."
My far-away girlfriends are. The people I know here really aren't and I'm getting depressed about it. I have lived in this area over 6 years and thrown many, many parties, dinner parties, helped people move, given people things they need, taught free yoga classes, helped out in any way, invited people to things that sounded fun, etc. Yet I haven't got a good girlfriend to show for it and I'm beginning to wonder if it's cultural because it's so, so strange to me. I have friends here who
- have repeatedly cancelled at the last minute, even a planned weekend trip.
- have never invited me into their home (in 6+ years!)
- have never, never contacted me although they will always respond if I call or email
- eat meals in front of me and do not offer any food, at their house (my grandmother would be horrified)
- make plans with other people even if we already had plans
- come hours late when we do have plans
- will not reciprocate the smallest favor
- don't contact me for 4-5 months at a time and seem to think nothing of it
- stop talking to me if I say anything about being unhappy with the state of our friendship
But the saddest part for me is that they just aren't real girlfriends. When I first moved here and threw my first dinner party, I was floored when by 10 pm, after 1.5 bottles of wine total, my entire 8 guests had gone home. And they didn't even have kids, they had tv shows to watch. I miss hanging out, I miss staying up late talking about life, I miss simply spending time with people. Where I live isn't as bad as NYC where people will leave a social function after 20 minutes because they've got more things to do - but the lack of a fabric of friendship is, to me, a real, real social and cultural lack. I think it makes people bitter, crabby and intolerant. And I'm very afraid that that will happen to me.
What has happened to enjoying the good things in life with people whom you also enjoy? Now that I'm pregnant, it makes me even sadder. To play under the table while the grownups gab away with one more bottle, to be passed from lap to lap, to explore the nooks and crannies of the old neighbor's house, to sit on the porch catching fireflies and telling tales, my child's going to have to get on a plane, just like I do.
I mostly wanted to write this out to get it off my chest - but if any of you do get this, please let me know. Is it cultural? Do real East Coasters ever just have fun with their friends?
Life is short - and other people are all we really have in the end. I was reading the comments on Mare's blog about what makes people happy, and it got me to thinking.
What makes me really, really happy is connecting with other people but I'm afraid I'm going to forget how.
posted by moi @ 5:18 AM
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