the crazy time

After transfer I was feeling quite optimistic. I think of the embryos more as little seeds settling into some nice fertile soil. My husband is very, very optimistic which is wonderful. The microscopic nature of all this is very odd. I walk around thinking about the extra cells in my body, but hey, I've got tons of cells of all sorts, many of whom I'm probably completely unaware of. But now I'm thinking about some little bitty cells and their growth. It's pretty cool but remains entirely abstract.

This morning I woke up feeling much less optimistic, basically because it's so mysterious and there is nothing to feel physically. Also because I had bad dreams about my job and I don't want them to get at my psyche.

The lesson I think I have learned so far is that all of this is not a personal failing. In Buddhism and yoga we work so hard on non-attachment and infertility (or a life-threatening illness) are crazy times to try out these life lessons. So many of the patients at the IF clinic look incredibly miserable and stressed out, no sense of humor when I proposed that we just sit on eachother's laps when there's a line at the blood draw station. We could do a little Shiva reenactment with arms going out both sides and blood. But no, they pretty much don't talk and don't laugh and often look white as sheets or really, really unhappy.

I'm not trying to make light of the situation and I will be very upset if this doesn't work out but somehow the craziness of this process and my job combined have pushed me beyond taking the universe personally. It is just not feasible that all of this insanity can be linked to my personal failings - and in a weird way if all of it can't then maybe none of it can.

I'm a very impatient person, the kind of person who drives you nuts fidgeting and wriggling when told to wait, (this is why I HAVE to do yoga or I would be truly nuts) so this time of waiting is very, very challenging and scary and strange.

But I do love thinking of little seeds slowly growing in the dark AND there are no raccoons in my womb!

p.s. I'm a blogging nincompoop - I don't know how to post my email or how to organize my archives by subject. Any hints?